


Lost In The Post

by frominsideacomputer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, Heart Eyes Howell, M/M, love eyes lester, you know the drill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4041412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frominsideacomputer/pseuds/frominsideacomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So Phil's gone missing and and these are a series of letters Dan writes and posts but there's no address to send them to so they just get lost in the mail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wishes

_My dearest Phil,_

_When are you coming home? When will I get to see you again? That’s all I really care about at the moment. I just want to know when you’ll be coming back to me._

_What news is there? What’s happened since I last wrote?_   
_Darcy is all grown up now. She’s starting year seven in September. I still remember when she was born. Zoe and Alfie are expecting, but I don’t really care that much. They were never really our friends, I mean, superficially they were and for the camera, but they stole so many of your ideas._   
_Before I forget, I was asked to be in the new Disney animation. Just a small cameo, like we did in big hero 6, but I couldn’t do it without you, so I turned it down._   
_The book publisher wants me to write another book because the other one was such a success. I’m not going to. That wouldn’t be right, not without you. You were part of the other book and it would be so wrong doing another one without you. Anyway, what could I write about?_   
_Nothing has happened._

_Actually, I retract that previous statement, we went on tour again didn’t we. And it was worldwide. America, Australia, Europe, and wherever else, I’ve forgotten._   
_And we started dating finally. That happened. That’s why you’re my dearest Phil. We finally acted on feelings that had been supressed since 2009. I loved being your boyfriend, it was just so fulfilling. I felt so relaxed with you. You just made my heart soften and some of those looks you gave me would just make me melt inside._   
_‘Love eyes Lester’ They really were. And looking back now, I was ‘heart eyes Howell’. I just wish we’d noticed that sooner, because every day, I wish that we’d spent more time together._   
_So clearly some things have happened, but you were so much more important for me to notice._

_Does that mean I was clingy? Was I stuck to you? Did you find it annoying? I mean, we were practically joined at the hip and many people said we had a ‘connection’ so was I any worse than usual?_

_People keep asking me if I’d alright, if I’m doing okay, if I’m fine. I always tell them I am, because I think I am and I think I want to believe that I am._   
_On the surface, everything seems fine, it’s like nothing has really changed and you’re just away for the moment. I haven’t touched your stuff or moved anything of yours. I haven’t thrown anything out, just in case you come back to me._   
_I don’t really want to admit this, but I do occasionally wear some of your clothes because they just make me feel like I’m back in your warm and cost embrace. Especially your hoodies. My favourite one is the one I gave you, the Jake one. You wore it so much it’s like it’s ingrained with your scent and warmth._   
_Maybe this is why I think I’m fine because of these tiny little things that make me feel better for ten minutes. I think I’m wishing that those ten minutes will last forever._

_No one really knows the full details of how I’m coping. Not even my parents or yours. PJ comes round every so often. It used to be at least once a week, now it’s barely once a month. He’s got his own life to get on with, so he shouldn’t be trying to repair the broken wreck that is mine. I also think he just got bored of trying to help me when I just can’t accept any help. My mind just doesn’t know how to process it._

_Come to think of it though, Chris and I started talking again. It began with a single text, just the one. ‘If you need to talk’ it said. And that was enough. That was what really just opened the doors we’d all locked behind us. He’s been so great though. Even though no one understands what’s happened, he knows that and lets me get on with whatever whilst still being a shoulder to lean on._

_I just wish you were there to lean on._   
_I wish you were here with me._   
_I wish I didn’t need to write this letter._

_Yours forever_   
_Dan._


	2. Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another letter of longing

_My dearest Phil,_

_Weeks have passed since I last wrote and nothing much has happened. I’ve started watching a new anime, does that count as being productive?_   
_Seriously though, I’ve stopped doing everything. My videos rapidly reduced in frequency and quality before, but now I’ve just stopped altogether. I think the fans have stopped caring. They’ve moved on to new people. It takes the attention off me._

_Chris popped in today, just to see how I was doing. I told him I was fine, and that he really didn’t need to come over, but I think he knew I was lying. He knows not to pry though, he knows that I don’t like talking about this because I end up getting to upset or angry or something. I just haven’t been handling this well at all._

_I haven’t seen anyone apart from Chris is weeks. Your mum stopped skyping me, just to make sure I was alright, but I think seeing me broke her as much as seeing her did to me. Your brother texted me, asking about the shop, and whether I wanted to keep it open. I still haven’t replied, I don’t know what to do. What would you suggest? If you were here that is._   
_But then again, if you were here we wouldn’t be in this mess._

_I don’t know what to do all day anymore. I can’t sit on the internet for hours anymore because most of Tumblr has you in it. I can’t go on YouTube because I always end up on mine or your channel and the sight of you rips my heart into smaller shreds. I’ve been trying to watch more films but all I want to do is sit and laugh at them with you cuddled into me on the sofa. I want to read more, but every time I try to start a book I just find myself imaging a situation between you and me._   
_Everything I do anymore leads back to you because you were such an important part of my life that I really can’t do this without you._

_Mum’s been trying to get me to go to a therapist to see if they can diagnose me. They’d ask me loads of questions and I wouldn’t know how to answer because I seem to have lost words and I was once so articulate and well spoken, now I can barely form a decent sentence, let alone a conversation._   
_A therapist would also mean a reason for my problem and I’d have to go to a support group or something stupid when really all I want to do is sleep and wear your clothes (which now have holes in the sleeves where I’ve been chewing them so often)._

_Mum’s also worried that I’ll start collecting security footage and watch TV all the time to see if you are accidently on the news. Imagine that. Imagine if I got to see your face just one last time. Then I’d probably go crazy, I’d go to wherever I’d seen your face and stick more of those goddamn posters up. I think there’s still a box left somewhere. The search went dead after a month of nothing._

_Nothing. That’s all my life is now. Nothing._

_There’s nothing which I know for certain anymore._   
_I don’t know how I feel._   
_I don’t know what to say._   
_I don’t know what to do._   
_I don’t know why._

_Yours until the end_   
_Dan._


	3. Dreams

_My dearest Phil,_

_Mum dragged me to a therapist, but I left before he got a chance to analyse me. Just sitting in that office suffocated me, and I thought I was going to be sick. I wish you had been there with me, but then if you were here at all none of this would ever have happened._   
_Dad has given up trying. Your parents can barely look at me anymore. I think I remind them too much of you. I remind me too much of you. Especially if I’ve been wearing your clothes._

_PJ very occasionally calls, just making sure I'm eating and things. It's a nice gesture but he needn't bother._   
_Chris got a full time acting job and he doesn't have the time to call in. But he texts me a lot. I never read them or reply. That would mean seeing other people and conversations and socialising and I'm ready not up for that right now. People and conversations and socialising and I'm ready not up for that right now. It’s just exhausting. Everything is a chore now, I just never have the energy to do anything other than eat and sleep._

_The days seem to be getting shorter and months seem more like weeks now. The time is passing and I only just noticed that the warm arms of June are here. I don't really know how much longer I'll be able to hold out._  
 _When I try to sleep, you're always there in my dreams._  
 _Sometimes I'll sleep well and the dream will be nice, it'll be like reality. But then I'll wake up in an empty flat and I'll have to go about living my nightmare._  
 _Other days the dreams will hurt me, you'll be there taunting me, calling me weak or broken. I know I am, it just hurts to hear it from you._  
 _Then I'll wake up to the same empty flat and it'll be a relief that I'm out of the nightmare._  
  
_But every dream is different. Except one. It only occurs on the nights I'm gone to bed angry._  
 _I just feel so lost in it. I'm lost in a big city somewhere, people are all around me, yet when I ask them for help, all of their faces look like a twisted version of yours that mocks my worried voice._  
 _It haunts me when I'm awake and I'm scared to leave the house. I think I’ve gone crazy._

_I dreamt that you came back to me._   
_I dreamt that they finally found you._   
_I dreamt that I got to see you for a final time._   
_I dreamt that I got to say goodbye properly._

_Yours for all eternity_   
_Dan._


	4. Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression mention

_My dearest Phil,_

_The house is a mess, I got so angry the other day and trashed the whole place. I’ve broken so many things and I regret the tantrum. It’s made me realise how badly I’m doing. I’ve finally accepted that I’m depressed. Well, it might have been after mum sent a therapist round and forced me to stay in the room whilst he asked me questions. They were the kind of cliché questions a shrink asks. But having an official diagnosis wasn’t as bad as I thought._   
_More people understand what it’s like being depressed and I can, if I want, talk to people about it. I won’t but that sense of support is quite nice to have._

_I had a better streak last week. Or I think I did. I might just be lying to myself again._   
_But I had the energy to Skype Chris last week. I was quite proud of myself for that._

_But now I’m feeling worse than ever, nearly every day I feel myself slip down this steep slope which I have stopped trying crawl back up because I know for every metre I go up, I’ll fall down two and it’s a vicious cycle._   
_I feel like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole into Wonderland, afraid of what I’ll find when I hit the bottom. I do wonder what will happen when I do eventually reach the bottom. But will I know when it is? Because every day I think things couldn’t get any worse and yet they do._

_I’m falling Phil._   
_I’m falling so hard and I know I’ll hit the ground and everything in me will break. But I’m already broken so how much more can I take._

_I’m scared of what’s at the bottom._   
_I’m scared of what is going to happen to me._   
_I’m scared of what I’ve become._

_Yours for yesterday, today and forever,_   
_Dan._


	5. Blame

_My dearest Phil,_

_Christmas is coming up. Not that I really care. I won’t see anyone, I’ll stay at home. I’ll eat. I’ll sleep. I’ll try to watch some Christmas television but turn if off because I wish you could be here with me to watch it._   
_I miss you more than ever now. Your absence is like a virus in the flat, in my body and in my head. It’s eating away at everything I once held close, consuming it and destroying it._   
_And I don’t know whose fault it is._

_I blame myself for not noticing your attitude before you went earlier._   
_I blame you for being the one who left._   
_I blame everything for just existing._   
_I blame myself because it was my fault._

_Yours eternally_   
_Dan._


	6. Fading

_My dearest Phil,_

_Come home. Come back to me. I’m wasting away. I’m a shell. I’m nothing._

_Yours until whenever_   
_Dan._


	7. Chapter 7

_My dearest Phil_

_Please let me see you again._

_Yours until my heart stops loving you,  
Dan_


	8. Chapter 8

_My dearest Phil,_

_Please._


End file.
